the slow, simmering ache within
the round hole in a sea of triangles
like watching santa skip my chimney
I am permanently homeless
and constantly homesick
what is this?
do we all yearn for the unreachable peace?
I look for ways to make it useful
if I must hurt, can I soothe another?
if I must cry, will another feel needed if they see it?
is this how we heal?
by bearing it all to each other
until we close our wounds together?
the mind and the heart are at war
always at war
mind knows only I can own the emotions
emotions are furious, stabbed by naivety and deception
heart says forgive, intentions matter,
that the foolish don't know any better
mind says cut and run
that if who you are is destructive to who I am
both mind and heart are best focused elsewhere.
History says I will side with mind every time.
today is no different.
Mind will soothe the heart
Information will win out over zealous feeling
And perhaps tomorrow won't feel so homesick.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
All is quiet on 5th street tonight
too much, too soon, a bittersweet disaster
He lost his composure
she lost a friend
and I'm tired of talking third person.
I summoned emotion from the grave I left it in
but it came at a greater cost than it was worth
To feel an ocean of love
with nothing but deserts to spread it over
while those who are thirsty scarcely catch my eye
I threw a treasure down a well
And I want it back.
The thing about mirrors is
if you don't see a reflection
it's not really a mirror.
Sometimes withholding information is
an act of aggression.
And of all the things I deserve,
I didn't deserve this.
“You deserve better,” my center tells me.
And I do.
From that grave, my love abounds in new and different ways
Friends have talents I've never noticed before
Kids have songs to sing I hadn't heard
It's easier to speak love to those who deserve it
though I'm new at doing so
I turned older this week
and among those who remembered,
a favorite friend inscribed
“we are more than our ideas” on beachwood,
quoting me to myself,
words to live by all the more.
And I will be more than my ideas.
I will love in new and more vulnerable ways
I will share with those who will share in return
I will hope for brighter and more peaceful days.
Because I am more than my ideasAnd it's time for my life to live up to my ideal way of being.